i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
