Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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