Swine flu. Run for my life!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
