the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
