So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
