I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
