sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
