Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize