She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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