I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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