If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize