She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
