I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
