Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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