I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize