Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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