Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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