A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
