My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
