I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Welp...herpes.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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