the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
