3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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