this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
