I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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