I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
