If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
