I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
