well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
