Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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