She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
