you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
