the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
