That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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