First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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