My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
