i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
