so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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