Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
