he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
