Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
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