Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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