I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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