Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
