you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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