i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
