R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Alive.
So much puke
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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