As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
