I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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