My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
