I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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