I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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