go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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