i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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