Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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