I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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