you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
