Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
