I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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